Believe

This little necklace, as cheap and pathetic as it is, has been pushing me to find some clarity ever since I bought it.  I forget the thoughts that went through my mind when I found it.  But I remember that I paused from my shopping mission, stood there for a moment, and rubbed it in my hand.

It wasn't the only necklace on display.  Each little gold disk asked something different of me – Love, Inspire, Laugh.  But it was Believe that I walked away with.  And for weeks I couldn't figure out why…

What was I asking myself to believe in?  

A God?  

Love?  

Myself?

I'm not sure I believe in any of that.  So here I am.  Looking in the mirror.  Trying to figure it out.  Believe… 

I’ve thought it over.  And I still don’t know the exact reason why I chose the necklace I did.  But if I sit myself down, close my eyes, and have a truly honest conversation with myself, one thing becomes clear.  

I yearn to be taken care of.  I long for something to lean on emotionally.  I crave in my gut for someone to take up the slack when things get rough.  Perhaps, like a body craving a certain nutrient, the necklace is a symptom of a deprived soul.  

Maybe I don't necessarily need one, this crutch of mine.  I could probably be stronger if I tried a little harder.  But I want this crutch all the same.  And I've never been able to truly change my desires.  I can walk away from them, push them away.  But I can't make them change anymore than I can make them disappear all together.  They are there, every single day, unrelenting and waiting for a moment of weakness.  

And so I guess I'm asking myself to believe that I really will find this crutch someday.  Whether it's good for me or not.  But what if I don't?

Have you ever lost sight of your beliefs?  Found yourself confused by them?  If so, please leave your comments below.