Life is Short in it's Longest Days

JCM on Fresh Air

(the comments I'm referring to are in the first 5 minutes)

I caught this interview while driving out of town, into the country, on my way to the stables.  John Cougar Mellencamp discusses his new album, which has been called "a deathbed testament."

His words resonated in me as I drove down the long lane sandwiched by fence line and evergreens.  The geldings' tails were swaying in the breeze.  The setting sun shone off their backs.  The dust, wildflowers, and sunshine filled my soul.  It was beautiful.

In that moment, seeing all of this and hearing his words, it all made sense.  Life is short.  Live each day in whatever way brings a smile to your face.  That's all there is.




E

Believe

This little necklace, as cheap and pathetic as it is, has been pushing me to find some clarity ever since I bought it.  I forget the thoughts that went through my mind when I found it.  But I remember that I paused from my shopping mission, stood there for a moment, and rubbed it in my hand.

It wasn't the only necklace on display.  Each little gold disk asked something different of me – Love, Inspire, Laugh.  But it was Believe that I walked away with.  And for weeks I couldn't figure out why…

What was I asking myself to believe in?  

A God?  

Love?  

Myself?

I'm not sure I believe in any of that.  So here I am.  Looking in the mirror.  Trying to figure it out.  Believe… 

I’ve thought it over.  And I still don’t know the exact reason why I chose the necklace I did.  But if I sit myself down, close my eyes, and have a truly honest conversation with myself, one thing becomes clear.  

I yearn to be taken care of.  I long for something to lean on emotionally.  I crave in my gut for someone to take up the slack when things get rough.  Perhaps, like a body craving a certain nutrient, the necklace is a symptom of a deprived soul.  

Maybe I don't necessarily need one, this crutch of mine.  I could probably be stronger if I tried a little harder.  But I want this crutch all the same.  And I've never been able to truly change my desires.  I can walk away from them, push them away.  But I can't make them change anymore than I can make them disappear all together.  They are there, every single day, unrelenting and waiting for a moment of weakness.  

And so I guess I'm asking myself to believe that I really will find this crutch someday.  Whether it's good for me or not.  But what if I don't?

Have you ever lost sight of your beliefs?  Found yourself confused by them?  If so, please leave your comments below.

Summer's Bounty

At some point during the months and months of endless snow and ice, Brother E decided he would plant a HUGE garden, hire my parents as slave labor, and get rich selling the proceeds at the city farmer's market.  (Exaggeration... sorta)

Lucky for me, I get to enjoy the fruits of their labor - no pun intended - during my ten day visit home right now.

Vegetables straight from the garden have that certain zing, that sweet essence you just don't taste in a store bought vegetable.  So who needs meat when vegetables taste this good?  Veggie sandwich here I come...

Toasted multi-grain bread, crisp iceberg lettuce, tomato, red onion, green pepper, cucumber, and a slap of mayo, salt & pepper!

Mmmmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!  Why are sandwiches even better when you squish it all together?

Last but not least, as much as I joke about this garden, it's a fabulous endeavor.  It keeps my family busy.  It keeps them together.  And it is one of the best things you can do for the environment.  Every hour spent in the garden is an hour not spent in front of a television, under light bulbs, running a bath, etc.  All those things require energy, fuel of some kind.  A garden requires nothing but your own energy, rain, and sunshine.  And each little plant does it's part by sucking up CO2 and breathing out oxygen.  If you think further, you can find more and more ways that a garden makes this world a better place!

So go plant something, people!

-E

To Plan or Summon?

'"The person leading the Well-Planned Life emphasizes individual agency, and asks, “What should I do?” The person leading the Summoned Life emphasizes the context, and asks, “What are my circumstances asking me to do?”'

Read the article here:
The Summoned Self - David Brooks, NYTimes

This is a nice article to get the ball rolling.  Short and leaving lots to ponder further about.

One point in particular stood out to me.  That is, using my current circumstances or context to answer the question of my life's purpose.  This has never occurred to me.  Context and circumstances are somewhat trivial.  Not driven by some higher force.  That's my opinion.

So I live in Oregon.  So what?  I could just have easily ended up in Ohio.  So I'm a poor-as-a-church-mouse law student.  Clearly I knew this would happen when I decided to attend grad school.  When it comes down to it, the majority of things - my location, wealth, lifestyle, etc - have been the result of my decisions.  Some of which might have been very bad decisions.  Some I mulled over for months.  Others were split second reactions.  Some were decided by lots of contemplation, weighing of pros and cons, and seeking advice.  While other times I went with my gut.  No explanation other than a feeling.

On the other hand, I can't deny that certain things have been out of my control.  Such as my natural abilities and deficiencies.  Or my childhood.  Are those things supposed to contain some undisclosed secrets as to who I am, where I'm going, etc?  That's what the Summoned Life theory proposes.  But wait.  Those things are only pieces of the puzzle.  They don't constitute the whole.  Surely they shouldn't control my life.  Should they?  It all comes down to FATE!

Okay, so for argument's sake, let's pretend there is such a thing as fate.  And you are willing to go along with it.  You are wandering down life's path yielding to the forces that be, and then kerplunk!  You land in a cubicle resembling Peter Gibbons, the main character in Office Space (only Jennifer Anniston won't be walking into your life anytime soon).  Ugh!  Your life sucks!  So what now?  What if you don't like where fate has taken you?  Is a person supposed to throw their hands up and say, "Oh well?"  No.  Not in my opinion.

I strive to approach my life with a strong, internal locus of control.  This "locus of control" stuff basically says that some people, those with a high internal locus, believe that events result primarily from their own behavior and actions.  Whereas those with a high external locus believe that they have no control over their destiny or day to day lives.  They are simply riding a wild mustang along the road of life.  No reigns in sight.

A person's locus of control can also vary in degree.  Think of it as a continuum with the high external locus on the far left (Fate controls my destiny) lessing toward an apathetic belief in the middle (I just don't know, it might be both, etc) and ending in a high internal locus on the far right (I control my destiny).  So which are you?

HIGH......MED.......LOW.......ZERO........LOW........MED.......HIGH
<------------------------------------------------------------------------------>
External................................Apathetic......................................Internal

Which am I?  Not surprisingly, I have a high internal locus.  I would guess most people who visit a site like this are the same.  The internal locusers (as I will call them) by definition question the way things are more than the external locusers.  They seek out advice, proof that change can happen.  One may not be able to control everything.  But neither are they without any power.  I believe I can grab the mane of that wild mustang, scream like hell, and head for the hills.  Hold on tight, friends.

-E

Animal Therapy

River.  My friend and personal therapist.

Animals can make the best listeners.  My weekly lesson with River is as good as any yoga session or anti-depressant.  She forces me to focus on the task at hand.  The chaos in my mind simply floats away with each step...